


Curt Mega and the Spy that Wouldn't Die

by knightofcauldrons



Category: Spies Are Forever - Talkfine/Tin Can Brothers
Genre: M/M, barb doesnt have a crush on curt in this, if you havent listened to the penumbra then you can just regard this as a sci-fi au, mix of saf/tpp canon, the penumbra podcast au, tho you dont need to know anything about penumbra to read this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-02
Updated: 2019-08-03
Packaged: 2020-07-25 19:35:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20031202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knightofcauldrons/pseuds/knightofcauldrons
Summary: After the death of his partner, Curt Mega decided that the life of a Dark Matters agent wasn’t worth it anymore. Curt retired, moving to Hyperion City, and tried to start life anew as a private investigator, with Barb alongside him as his secretary. It’s four long years later when Curt decides to crawl out of retirement, and he finds himself as a Dark Matters spy again. Curt is assigned a new clearance badge, a new mission, and a new partner. What should’ve been a simple first mission turns out much messier, and Curt finds himself in the middle of something more than just an arms deal.As things start to unfold, Curt finds himself with multiple questions…Is his partner actually who she says she is?Why does everyone want this bomb?And most importantly; What the hell is thenew technologyeveryone's going on about?





	1. Curt Mega and the Day Back on the Field

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is _technically_ an au of the penumbra podcast, but you dont need any knowledge of tpp to enjoy this- you'll probably just miss a few cheeky references and thats it. if you havent listened to tpp, then you can just regard this fic as a sci-fi au

Barb gasped. “Boss! _Boss_! Check your comms, boss!” 

Curt rubbed his temples as he turned around in his swivel chair, straining his ears to hear Barb’s shrill yelling from the other room.

“Huh, Barb?” he called out. By the stars, he had one hell of a hangover.

“Check your comms, Curt! You’re getting a call!” 

“Oh, Christ,” Curt groaned, before checking his comms. “Oh, _Christ_.” 

Curt sighed, closed his eyes, prepared himself, and then answered the comms call, turning on the comms screen.

The face of Cynthia Houston glared at him. 

“Curt Mega,” she said. 

“Cynthia Houston!” Curt greeted. “Aren’t you _so_ happy to have me back with Dark Matters?” 

“Not _particularly_,” said Cynthia. “I’m just calling to fill you in on a few more things.”

“What, was four years of complete radio silence not long enough for you? Disappointed you’re forced to talk to me again, Cynthia?” 

“Fuck off and fuck you, Mega. I’m a goddamn Dark Matters director, I don’t fucking have time for socializing with retired Dark Matters deadbeats.”

“Deadbeat? It was my grieving period. I was grieving.”

“We all grieved!” Cynthia yelled, looking angry. “When I got the call that Owen died and _you_ didn’t, I screamed into Susan’s neck for five seconds, then I locked it up and moved on! But you-” Cynthia made a growling sound in the back of her throat, like she had more to say that she wanted to get out, but knew she was getting off-topic. The sound made the hairs on the back of Curt’s neck stand up.

“Whatever,” said Cynthia. “I’m not making this call _just_ so I can yell at you. You’ve got a case, Mega.”

Curt raised an eyebrow. “Oh?”

“Don’t look so excited, it’s nothin' fancy. Should be a breeze, won’t even be a challenge. You’re interrupting an arms deal.”

“Sounds easy enough.”

“It is. At least, it should be. If you _somehow fuck this up_-” Cynthia made the growling sound again and stopped herself from going off on a tangent. “Whatever. A guy named Sergio is selling a bomb to a guy who’s name we don’t know, but he’s called the Deadliest Man Alive.” 

“What gets a guy a title like that?”

“Uh, probably because he’s killed _1147 people_, you _fucking dumb-dumb_.” Cynthia sighed. “Any-fucking-ways," she said, "You’re being assigned a partner.”

“_What?!_ I don’t need a partner! I don’t _want_ a partner!”

“Well, tough shit!” Cynthia yelled. “Look, I’m _sorry_, I _get it_. I know you and Owen were.. _Close_.”

“_No shit_,” Curt muttered.

“Let me _finish_, Mega!” Cynthia took a breath to try and relax herself, though its arguable if it actually worked. “I know you and Owen were close. This new partner, she’s not supposed to be a replacement for Owen, so don’t think of it like that. I understand that no partner will ever be like how Owen was for you. I get it.”

“I don’t want a _partner_, Cynthia. We both know that I’m just gonna think about Owen. And we both know.. We both know what happened to Owen. Do you really think its a good idea to give me a partner?” 

“Well, here’s the thing. It’s not that I don’t trust you. It’s just that I doubt you.”

“Well thanks for the vote of confidence.” 

“-In just four years, you become a grieving alcoholic and a PI that, sorry, doesn’t have a very good track record. I’m easing you in slowly, Mega, alright? I don’t.. I just don’t think its a good idea for you to tackle a case all by yourself yet. So you’re getting a partner. Someone to keep you on track.” 

That didn’t make Curt feel any better. 

“So what, you don’t think I can handle a fucking _arms deal_? I’m not _that fucking pathetic_, Cynthia! I can fucking handle myself! I don’t need someone to fucking babysit me!”

“I don’t _care_, Mega,” Cynthia growled with a frustrated tone. “You’re getting a partner, and that’s _final_. She’ll arrive at your place in a few minutes, she’ll fill you in on the rest of the details. I’ve never met her personally, but her record’s spotless.” 

“Great,” said Curt dryly. Cynthia glared at him, but she seemed to force herself to soften her expression. It didn’t work because Cynthia didn’t _do_ the whole _soften_ thing, but Curt recognized the effort and at least appreciated the attempt. 

“Don’t fuck it up,” Cynthia said in a softer tone, about as soft as Cynthia Houston gets. 

“I’ll try,” said Curt. 

“Hey, Mega. I know you took his death harder than anyone else. Just, take care of yourself, yeah?”

Cynthia sounded oddly genuine, catching Curt by surprise, and he found himself smiling. 

“I’ll try. Thanks. Cynthia.”

“And shave that god-awful fucking beard.”

It was such a _Cynthia_ thing for her to say that Curt barked with laughter, and Cynthia hung up the comms call. 

When Curt stopped laughing, he remembered a few things;

He was a spy again. It still felt surreal. 

He just talked to Cynthia Houston for the first time in four years. That also felt surreal. 

He had a hangover. That was going to get annoying.

And he had a partner. And that partner wasn’t Owen Carvour. Oh, _Christ_. 

Curt got up out of his swivel chair carefully, and walked cautiously over to the window. From the other room, he heard a door open and a stranger talking, and he quickened his pace. He carefully unlatched the window, sliding it up. 

There was a knock on the door. 

“Hello, Agent Curt Mega? Are you there?” asked a smooth, accented voice from the other side. Thank god the door was locked.

The doorknob jostled.

“Oh- Barb, could you help me with this?”

Curt suddenly regretted giving Barb a copy of the key. 

“Oh, thank you, Barb, you are a _gem_ on Mars... And twice as beautiful.”

Barb giggled, sounding flattered- Curt could imagine her doing that little wave of her hand she does when she finds someone charming. If Curt could just move a little quicker…

The door opened.

“Ah, Agent Curt Mega. How lovely to.. Meet you.. Mega, are you trying to climb out that window?”

Curt paused, and looked down at himself, one leg out the window, straddling the windowsill.

“I’d say I was succeeding,” he said. 

“Well, I’d heard they did things differently on Mars,” said the Dark Matters agent, amusement glinting in her eyes, “but I must admit, this was not what I was expecting! You’ll have to teach my your customs. Is there room in that window for two?” 

Curt raised an eyebrow, then sighed and got off the windowsill, closing the window behind him. 

“So I guess you’re my partner. I’m Curt Mega, though you already know that. I’m afraid Cynthia hadn’t told me your name, Miss…?” 

“Tatiana,” said the agent. “Tatiana Slozhno.” 

“Lovely to meet you,” said Curt, taking Tatiana’s hand and placing a kiss on it. If Tatiana wanted to flirt, well, two could play that game. (Even if Curt pretended that Tatiana was someone else whenever he closed his eyes.)

“I suppose Cynthia gave you the details?” Tatiana said.

“Mostly, except for where the deal is taking place.”

“I’ll drive, then.” 

“Fine by me. Barb!” No answer. “_Barb_!”

“Oh, I wouldn’t bother calling for her,” Tatiana drawled in her smooth voice. “Miss Barb has been.. Taken care of.”

That sounded like a red signal.

“Now what the _hell_ does that mean!?” 

“Dealt with? Accounted for?" she said, as if unaware that she was saying the most alarm-raising shit. "I’ve euphemisms to go around, Curt Mega.” 

“_Barb_!” Curt yelled, more panicked this time. “_Barb_!" Curt stepped closer to Tatiana, “I swear to god, if you even laid a _finger_ on her-” 

“What? Oh, nothing of the sort,” said Tatiana, realization dawning. 

“Huh, boss? Did you call for me- _Oh_,” said Barb as she entered the room, eyes immediately falling on Tatiana. “Oh, _hiiiiiiiiiiiii_, Miss Tatianaaaaaa!” Barb said, giggling and waving at Tatiana with wiggling fingers. 

Tatiana looked at Curt, a smile on her face.

“I just found the right way to talk to her,” Tatiana said. “There’s a right way to talk to everyone. Here’s hoping we find ours soon, yeah?” Tatiana smiled, looking all too pleased with herself. 

Curt scowled slightly, feeling like a fool for his reaction, when in reality his secretary was perfectly fine- She was just smitten with some mysterious Dark Matters agent that Curt barely knew and barely trusted. 

“Lets just go get this over with,” he grumbled, shouldering his way past Tatiana and Barb and walking out the door.

“Gee boss, are you alright?” he heard Barb say behind him, but he was already leaving through the front door by then. 

He leaned against the wall of the hallway, reaching into his jacket, pulling out a flask and taking a swig of it. He can tell he’s gonna need it, if he's gonna get through this mission.

Tatiana walks out into the hallway after a moment.

“...Apologies. Barb seems to be a wonderful person, I hadn’t meant to scare you like that. I understand why you’d be so protective of her.”

Curt eyed Tatiana suspiciously, flask still up to his lips. He took one more swig just for good measure. Tatiana at least had the decency to look sheepish, Curt thought as he glanced at her.

He capped the flask with a slight frown, tucking it away. “Whatever,” he grumbled. “Lets just get going.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this isnt an au in the sense that every saf character takes the role of a tpp character; however, some of the saf characters roughly fulfill the roles of some of the tpp characters (and if youve listened to tpp then these probably all seem rlly obvious but i'll list them anyways)  
curt - juno  
barb - rita  
tatiana - rex  
cynthia - sasha
> 
> im not 100% sure where this fic will be going honestly- i only have a vague idea- but i hope yall enjoyed this!
> 
> (and yes, the title of this fic is totally a reference to the tpp episode called "juno steel and the day that wouldnt die")


	2. Curt Mega and the Evasive Explosive

Tatiana put the car in park. 

“They’ll be down there,” Tatiana said, gesturing to the ledge in front of them. 

“So we wait,” said Curt, not feeling too happy about it. 

Tatiana nodded. “Precisely.” 

“How long?” 

“As long as it takes.” 

Curt sighed. 

“So why Dark Matters?” he asked her.

“Hm?” 

“Why work for Dark Matters?” 

“We all have our reasons,” said Tatiana. 

“Dodging the question?” said Curt. 

Tatiana just shrugged. 

_Exciting conversation_, thought Curt, taking a sip from his flask. 

“I’d ask why go _back_ to Dark Matters,” Tatiana said, “but I doubt I’ll get an answer, after I avoided your question.”

Curt shrugged. “Nah, I’ll humor you. I just had to get back in action, you know? Being a PI.. It’s not the same. Not the same thrill. Kinda depressing, actually.”

“Oh?”

“Well,” said Curt, “Being an agent, you always had a partner and a secret government agency at your back. As a PI, you just have yourself.. And your secretary, though not like I’d want her out on the field. But anyways, as an agent, you do the job and you get the hell out of dodge via a flight to a different planet. As a PI, I have to stay here and sit in the mess I made. Plus, as an agent, you get special privileges. But as a PI, you’re on the same level as everyone else. You get to see the chaos at ground level. You kinda realize how..” Curt trailed off. “..How the civilians never win, not against the government, or always at the complete mercy of whoever’s richest.”

Tatiana nodded. “From what I’ve seen,” said Tatiana, “Hyperion has a bad case of capitalism.” 

Curt sighed. “Yeah. Been on Mars long?”

“No, I just arrived this morning.” 

Curt snorted. ”Dark Matters really likes to keep us on our toes, huh?” 

“Are you glad you’re back with Dark Matters?” 

Curt paused. “I think I am. Here’s hoping the feeling stays. So, do we have a plan for when they show up?” 

"I have a general idea," said Tatiana. "We sneak down secretly- I’ll be on that side, and you on the other.”

“So it's a stick up,” said Curt. 

Tatiana nodded. 

Tatiana opened her mouth, closed it, then opened it again. “I’m still sorry about Barb. Didn't mean to give you a scare.” 

“Gah, don’t sweat it. ..You really aren’t from around here, huh?”

Tatiana shook her head. “No, I am rather not. And I don’t do much traveling.”

“Where _are_ you from?” 

“That information is, how you say? None of your business.” 

Curt held up his hands. “Okay, that’s fair. Me, personally, I’m from right here in Hyperion. Well, not necessarily _right here_. Grew up in Old Town. Though, when I joined Dark Matters, I spent a lot more time on other planets. Sold my Old Town apartment and flew off into the stars, y’know?” 

“Do you like it here in Hyperion?”

Curt shrugged. “It’s home,” he said. “But that’s about it.” 

Over the ledge, a car pulled up.

“That our guy?” Curt asked, lowering his volume even if it’d be impossible for anyone to hear them anyways. 

“One of them,” said Tatiana at an equally low volume. 

Three men exited the car- The most noticeable one was a man a bit on the taller side, muscled, wearing a camo green shirt. 

“Which one is he?” he asked Tatiana.

“Deadliest Man Alive.”

“Oh, fun. So, since that’s the Deadliest Man, he doesn’t have the bomb, which means we need to wait more, and then have to go down there when_both_ Sergio and the Deadliest Man Alive are there. What luck we have. You think he’ll see us up here?”

“No. We’re high up, we’re tucked away, and it’s dark. We'll be fine."

Tatiana glanced at Curt. “We should get in position. We can communicate through our comms.”

“So I’ll hide near the side where the Deadliest Man Alive is? Cool, cool.” 

Tatiana raised an eyebrow. “Would you prefer to switch positions?” 

“Hm? Oh, _nahhhhh_. It's fine.”

“Good,” said Tatiana, and then she slipped out of the car, seemingly without a sound as she slunk into the darkness.

Curt sighed, before stealthing his way, heading in the opposite direction.

“I spy,” said Curt into his comms as he sat in the darkness, “with my little eye, something that is blue.” 

There was static coming from the other end of his comms.

“..._Curt, darling_,” Tatiana eventually said, “_it is nearly midnight, everything is in shades of black.”_

“Wouldn’t _shades of black_ just be shades of grey?” asked Curt.

Tatiana paused. 

“_Huh_,” said Tatiana. “_Well, you’re not _wrong._ Also, you are talking about the blinking light on that building, aren’t you?_”

“Yeah, I am. Good one, didn’t think you’d get that- It’s tiny as hell.”

“_I am not a Dark Matters agent for no reason._”

“Sure. Your turn, Tatiana.” 

“_I spy_-”

“I swear, if this guy keeps us waiting any longer-”

“_Oh come on, don’t interrupt_.”

“-Plus, it really doesn’t help that I need to piss, like, right now.”

“_There is a bush right behind you, Mega. Anyways, I spy with my little eye something that is red_.”

“Tati, we’re on Mars, there’s red _everywhere_-” Curt stopped talking when he peered over the ledge and saw a man step out from the shadows holding a briefcase and a white box with a logo on it.

“Oh, Constellation Bakery,” Curt muttered under his breath when he realized he knew that logo. “Good choice, they make excellent eclairs- Wait, that’s our guy, isn’t it?”

“_It is_,” said Tatiana, volume lowered even more.

The man with the briefcase, Sergio, paused when he saw the Deadliest Man and his lackeys, and Sergio shrugged at them and said something.

“I don’t suppose you can hear what they’re saying?” asked Curt into his comms.

“_I don’t have super-hearing, Curt Mega_.”

“Figures.”

“_But I_ can _read lips_.”

“Okay, that's better. Are they saying anything interesting?”

“_Hard to see from this distance, but from what I can gather, it’s nothing important_.”

“I said _interesting_, not _important_.”

Tatiana sighed. “_Sergio is talking about his family. Kids, a wife. Apparently it's date night. Anniversary, maybe?”_

“Oh, good for them! I mean, I know he’s selling illegal bombs, but. It’s Hyperion.”

“_Do many people in Hyperion commit crimes for their families_?”

“Yeah, actually. Like.. Like Valles Vicky! She does illegal trade on the side to support her wife and kid. She's also pretty cool, like, as a person. Anyways, pretty much _everyone_ commits crimes for their families, if they want to keep their family safe. Like I said- It’s Hyperion.”

There was a strange silence from Tatiana’s end of the comms.

“Tati? You there?” 

There was a pause from the comms. Curt watched as two of the Deadliest Man’s lackeys were unceremoniously killed.

“..Well that happened,” said Curt. 

“_I’m heading down_,” said Tatiana. 

Curt didn’t feel great about getting closer to the Deadliest Man Alive when he just saw two people who were affiliated with the Deadliest Man Alive get gutted, but he kept that to himself. 

Curt crept down slowly, following Tatiana’s lead. Curt could vaguely see her from where he was, but if he hadn’t already known she was there, Curt would’ve never noticed her.

“Freeze,” Tatiana said in a commanding voice as she stepped out into the open, holding up her blaster. Curt noticed that it wasn’t set to stun. “Put down the suitcase and no one gets hurt.” 

“I second that motion!” cried Curt, revealing himself on the other side, his blaster raised as well.

The Deadliest Man Alive just looked mildly annoyed.

“Just put the suitcase down, pal,” Curt said, accompanied by the sound of setting his blaster off of stun.

The Deadliest Man paused and glanced towards Tatiana, then at Curt who was closer to him, then in one swift motion, he grabbed Curt’s blaster, pointing it at Curt’s chest and pulling the trigger. 

Nothing happened. Curt smiled. “No charges,” he said, and then decked the Deadliest Man in the jaw.

Curt may not have been the brightest agent, but he liked to think he had a pretty good punch.

It was enough to leave the Deadliest Man staggering, at least, which gave Tatiana enough time to wrench the suitcase out of the hands of the Deadliest Man. 

The Deadliest Man regained his balance, and Curt made sure that he saw Curt raise his blaster- With charges, this time.

The Deadliest Man looked at Tatiana holding up a blaster, and then at Curt holding up a blaster- Neither blaster was set to stun, and both of them were loaded.

He narrowed his eyes.

“This isn’t over,” he simply said, and then he slipped into the driver’s seat of his car and drove away.

Curt sighed, holstering his blaster.

He turned over his shoulder to see Sergio. He picked up the white box of pastries, opened the lid to take a peak, “Oh, I love those! Good choice, good choice,” and then handed the box back to Sergio. “You should get going, yeah?”

“Uh, yeah,” said Sergio. “..You want one?” he asked, raising the box. “I got some extras. Seems the least I can do for two Dark Matters agent who _aren’t_ trying to kill or arrest me.”

Curt glanced at Tatiana. “Do you want one?”

Tatiana shrugged.

Curt grinned. "We'll take two."

Sergio handed over two sugary pastries.

“Thanks, man,” said Curt.

“No problem, my man!” said Sergio. “Bye, Curt.”

“Bye, Sergio. Tell Valles I said hi next time you see her.” 

“Will do!” And then Sergio left.

Tatiana raised his eyebrows at Curt.

“..What? They’re not poisoned. Well-” Curt took a big bite. He waited a few moments. “Yeah no, not poisoned.”

“You know him?”

"Just in passing."

"You’re friends with an awful lot of criminals, aren’t you?”

“Kinda hard to avoid when mostly everyone's a criminal. ..Plus, I was a private investigator for four years. In that line of work, you get acquainted with a lot of people outside the law.”

“Huh,” said Tatiana. She paused, then raised the suitcase. “So what the hell do we do with this?” 

“I have a safe at my office. We can lock it up in there and I’ll call Cynth tomorrow morning. Then we can get drunk in celebration for a job well done, yeah?”

Curt was happy to see that Barb was no longer in the office- It was late, and she deserved the sleep. Or, she deserved whatever it was she did outside of the office at way-too-late-o’clock. 

Curt popped open his safe, putting in the suitcase, and then locking it. The keys of his safe jingled as he put them into the pocket of his coat. 

Curt rubbed at his eyes.

“A hard day’s work, yeah? ..Hey Tati, do you have a place to stay tonight?” 

“Not particularly, no,” said Tatiana. She raised an eyebrow. “Are you offering?”

“Perhaps. Are you accepting?”

Tatiana smiled.

"Sure, Curt Mega."

So, Curt sort of drove Tatiana back to his place.

Curt spread his arms out as he walked through the front door of his apartment. “Welcome to my humble abode, Tatiana! Come on in.”

Tatiana raised an eyebrow towards a particular corner. “Curt Mega, is that a mini bar?”

"Yep! Want anything?"

Tatiana waved it off. “No thank you, Curt- I’ll pass.”

“Suit yourself, Tati.” 

Curt sat down, pouring himself a drink.

“So,” Tatiana said. “Care to tell me more about the life of infamous Agent Curt Mega?”

Curt snorted. “It’s not as glamorous as the rumors say it is. It’s not as glamorous as _I_ thought it was four years ago.”

“You don’t have to tell me about your time in Dark Matters,” said Tatiana. “How about Old Town? What was that like?” 

Curt paused, then smiled. “Oh, Cynthia will castrate me if she finds out I said this to you. But, me and Cynthia grew up together.”

Tatiana sat down next to Curt, raising her eyebrows and looking amused. “You _grew up_ with _Cynthia Houston_.”

Curt grinned. “Yep! We were childhood friends! Or, childhood somethings, at least. It was me, her, Susan, and..” Curt stopped talking suddenly. “..A few others,” he finished saying, an odd tone in his voice.

“..We _ruled_ Old Town,” he said in a nostalgic voice that sounded a little bittersweet.

“Cynthia Houston as a child,” said Tatiana. “I don’t think I can imagine that.”

Curt’s grin came back.

“Yeah, that’s the usual response when I say that I knew Cynth as a kid.”

Tatiana actually laughs a little at that.

“Any other questions about my glamorous life?” Curt asked.

“Yes, actually. Are you staying in Hyperion after this? I heard that you did a lot of traveling when you were in Dark Matters before.”

“I have a feeling Cynthia wants me to stay in Hyperion. I don’t really mind, though. There’s plenty to do in Hyperion- I heard they sent a Dark Matters guy to investigate the murder of Croesus Kanagawa, not that long ago? Well, not important, anyways. I’ll probably be staying in Hyperion.”

Curt paused.

“Say, where are you heading after this, Tatiana?” 

Tatiana sighed.

“Off on the interstellar breeze, I suppose. Wherever Dark Matters takes me next, Curt Mega.”

“..Oh. Right.”

Tatiana tilted her head. “Curt? Are you alright?”

“Huh? Uh, yeah.” Curt knocked back some of his drink. “I’m just peachy, Tati.”

“Oh, come on, Curt Mega,” said Tatiana. “Open up to me a little." Tatiana gently punched Curt on the arm. "It’s not like I’ll be here to hear it tomorrow.” 

Curt paused for a moment.

“..Well,” he started. “I just guess I’ll just miss having a partner. I mean, I have Barb. And don’t get me wrong, I love her. Not like _that_, mind you, but she’s amazing. But having a partner out on the field with you is a whole lot different then being yelled at by someone over a comms, y’know? I guess I’m just a fan of someone _tangibly_ having my back. And.. I’m gonna be honest, I _really_ didn’t want a partner for this mission. Because if they had my back, then I had to have theirs. And what if I fuck it up?” Curt paused. “And.. Well, I was worried I wouldn’t actually _like_ my new partner. But. You’re pretty cool. Honestly, I’m kinda gonna miss ya. And if I get a partner as cool as you for my first mission back, then that means that it can only get shitty from here, right?"

Curt sighed.

"Sorry for dumping that on you."

“It’s.. It’s fine, Curt. I understand. I’ll miss you too, when I leave. But I _will_ have to leave. How you say? _Life moves on_.” Tatiana paused, setting a hand on top of Curt’s. “But life can wait one night, Curt. ..Come here.” 

Tatiana pulled Curt forward by the collar of his coat, and his lips met hers.

She was a good kisser, actually. A very good kisser.

Curt pulled her a little bit closer. 

After a breathless moment, he pulled back.

"Tatiana.." he murmured.

“Yes, Curt?”

“Has anyone ever told you..” _Clink!_ “..That you’re under arrest?” 

“...No, actually, this would be a first,” said Tatiana, handcuffs clinking. “What exactly are you doing, Curt? I don’t understand.” 

“Drop the act, Tatiana. If that’s even your name.”

“..Okay. I’ll play along. Arrested for what?” 

“The attempted theft of a _bomb_-”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“-And for stealing the keys to my safe straight out of my pocket.” Curt reached into the pocket of Tatiana’s jacket, pulling out his own keys with a _jingle_.

“..Yes, well, that _does_ sound more familiar.”

“You know what gave it away?”

“Oh, please enlighten me.”

“You’re not my type,” said Curt. “And I’m _obviously_ not yours.”

Tatiana smirked a little. “Oh, so is your gaydar just _that_ good, Curt Mega?”

"It’s just that you showed absolutely _zero_ romantic interest in me until just a moment ago. So then, why the sudden change? You had to have a different motive. Like, for example, my safe keys. I admit, you’ve got some deft fingers, Tatiana. If I wasn’t paying attention, then you would’ve totally gotten away with it. But I _was_ paying attention.”

“Yes, well. The kiss was meant to be the distraction.”

“Like I said, Tatiana- You’re not my type.”

“I suppose my gaydar wasn’t as good as I thought.”

Curt tried not to smile- It was a little funny. “I suppose so.” Curt stood up. “I sent a comms message to the HCPD, they’ll be here any minute. Anything left to say, Tatiana?” 

“Well, I must admit,” said Tatiana, standing up as well. “You’re clever. You’re observant. You noticed when I took your safe keys out of your pocket. That’s impressive.”

“Thank you.”

“It would have been more impressive if you noticed I took the keys to these handcuffs, as well.”

"What-"

Within a flash, Curt found himself on the ground. She just had to go for the groin, huh? And she was far quicker than she had any right to be- By the time Curt had looked up, she was already gone.

“_Shit_,” Curt growled, getting up. “_Shit_!” he growled again when he dug inside his pockets, and didn't find the keys to his handcuffs, nor the keys to his safe.

He bolted towards the door, and opened it, looking both ways down the hallway, though she was nowhere to be found.

Curt ground his teeth together and slammed the door closed, sending a quick comms message to the cops he had called earlier. Perhaps they’ll catch her. She can’t have gone far.

Curt sighed, slunk back into his apartment, letting himself fall onto the couch, and poured himself another drink.

He felt around in his pocket again. Oh- That was new. He felt something that wasn't there before. He pulled it out.

It was a small card. On the back, it said in scribbled handwriting, I CAN EXPLAIN - TATIANA. The other side of the card said in neatly printed words, _Monte Carlo Casino_.

Curt frowned. It seemed like she wasn’t over with him yet. A promise for answers on one side of the card and a meeting place on the other. Assuming that the police don't catch up with her. Oh, who’s Curt kidding, they won’t. It’s Tatiana. She’s too clever for them. And evidently too clever for Curt.

Curt sighed.

God, Cynthia was gonna kill him. 


	3. Curt Mega and the Eyes on the Prize

“Oh boy!” said Curt with faux excitement. “Guess who’s gonna be flying all the way to Jupiter _just_ to be yelled at by Cynthia Houston! _Me!_” 

“Gee, boss,” said Barb, “I’m sure you’ll be fine! It’s _just_ Cynthia, right?”

“_You’ve_ never been cursed out by Cynthia Houston before. _I’ve_ been getting cursed out by her since we were five years old.”

“Cynthia knew swear words at five years old?”

“It’s Cynthia Houston. Of course she did,” said Curt. “Plus, it was Old Town. Wasn’t exactly a wholesome place to grow up. But, yeah." Curt sighed nostalgically. "I remember meeting Cynthia for the first time during recess. For a kindergartner, she wore like a sailor!”

Barb laughed. “Actually, yeah, that sounds about right. Definitely sounds like Cynthia!” she said. “Ohhh, I’ll _miss_ you when you’re gone! Lets hope Cynthia doesn’t poison you, or anything.”

“Knowing her," said Curt, "she _definitely_ will. Y'know, you can come with me to Jupiter, if you want. Dark Matters is paying for travel costs, anyways.”

Barb’s eyes lit up. “_Really!?_” she said in an awed voice.

“Of course!”

“Awwww, thank you, Curt!” Barb squealed, pulling Curt into a hug. Curt was reminded of how small and tiny she was as he wrapped his arms around her.

“Hey, it’s just Jupiter!” said Curt, chuckling a little bit. “It’s not like we’ve never been there before. Honestly, I’ve been to Jupiter way too many times for one lifetime. And each of those times, I was cursed out by Cynthia Houston.”

“Ohhh, Curt, this’ll be like a _vacation_!" Barb squealed. "You _deserve_ a vacation. _We_ deserve a vacation!”

“Getting cursed out by Cynthia isn’t exactly my type of vacation, Barb.”

“If you mention getting yelled at by Cynthia _one more time_ I might punch you.”

“You couldn’t do that even if you wanted to.”

Barb punched Curt on the chest.

“..That was adorable,” he said, trying to fight back a smile (and failing). The "punch" hadn’t hurt at all- Curt barely even felt it. 

Barb huffed. 

“Whatever, Mistah Mega. You should start packing, yeah?”

“But we’re only staying for one night, Barb.”

“So? I’m not gonna let you just sleep in the same clothes you’ve been wearing for five weeks straight! Also, on that note, you really should put those clothes in the wash. And you should shave that beard. You look _homeless_.” 

Curt sighed. 

“I’ll consider shaving it, Barb. No promises!” 

Barb sighed for a long time. “Good enough, I guess,” she said, but not without a fond smile on her face. 

“_Sit down, fuck you, you’re fucking dead_,” was the first thing Cynthia hissed at him when he walked into her office.

“Nice to see you again too,” said Curt, but was only met with a glare, and he noticed that Cynthia was on a comms call with someone. Whoops.

Curt sat down. 

“Yeah, I’m pretty good at impressions," Cynthia was saying to whoever was on the line. "Yeah. Okay, just don’t make them think you’re a _crook_, okay? Okay. I gotta go. Yeah. Talk to you later, Mx. Pereyra. Bye.” 

She turned her comms off, then glared at Curt with the intensity of a thousand suns. It was a glare that Curt had seen a lot in his life, and it was a glare that he never _quite_ got desensitized to. 

“What the _fuck_ did I tell you?” 

“Um, well..”

“What the goddamn _FUCK_ did I tell you?”

“Well, you-”

“I believe I told you,” Cynthia said, leaning forward in her seat, e-cigarette in hand, “_don’t fuck it up_. And _what_ did you do? You _fucked it up_!” 

“..In my defense,” said Curt, “_I_ wasn’t the one who assigned myself with a Dark Matters agent that wasn’t actually a Dark Matters agent.”

Cynthia groaned, standing up to pace on the aged rug. "If you're trying to insinuate that it's _my_ fault, fuck off. _I_ wasn't the one that assigned you the damn partner. And anyways, _I’m_ not the one that _got kicked in the groin and lost a fucking weapon of mass destruction_!” 

Curt winced. “..That’s fair. But hey! I _at least_ know where she’s going.” Curt pulled out the card from his pocket.

Cynthia snatched it, reading it and turning it over in her hand a few times. She looked up at Curt. 

“Oh, _halle-fucking-lujah_,” Cynthia spat. “Wipe that smug fucking smile off your face, you goddamn _dweeb_.” She flicked the card back to Curt, who fumbled trying to catch it. Cynthia rolled her eyes.

“How did you fuck this one up, Mega. _How did you fuck this one up_.”

“I guess it’s sorta what I do,” muttered Curt, thinking about a particular mission from four years ago. “I fuck things up.”

“Oh, _shut up_!” snapped Cynthia. “None of that self-deprecating shit in my office, Curt! The only person that’s allowed to insult you is _me_!” 

Curt snorted. “That checks out.”

Cynthia sighed. 

“I know I’m a fuckin’ bitch,” she said, “but its only because I love ya, you big dumb idiot. Spewing curse words is just how I show affection.”

“You spew curse words at _everyone_.”

“I’m a very affectionate person.” Now _there_ was a concept, Curt thought to himself. 

“I’m hard on you because I want you to get your ass off rock bottom, Curt,” Cynthia continued.

“I’m _not_ on rock bottom-”

Cynthia gave him an unimpressed look and Curt stopped talking. 

“You drank yourself to rock bottom,” continued Cynthia, “and you grew that fucking-” Cynthia growled, marching around the table. “This- _fucking_-” she said, pulling at his facial hair.

“The.. The beard?”

“_Yes_, the fucking _beard_!” Cynthia yelled ferociously. 

“..It can’t be _that_ bad.” 

Cynthia just glared at him. 

“..I’ll shave it.” He’s not sure if he actually will, but Cynthia looked like she was five seconds away from shaving him herself, and Curt didn't exactly want Cynthia holding a sharp object near his face, so maybe saying that he’d shave it himself would soothe her. 

“_Good_.” Cynthia closed her eyes and inhaled through her nose for a good few seconds.

“Well, Mega. As hard as you fucked this up, at _least_ you didn’t lose the bomb to the guy called the _Deadliest Man Alive_.”

Curt snorted. “Of course I didn’t! I’m not an _extremely_ bad spy. I’m just a _really_ bad spy.”

“Hey, hey, hey, asshole! What did I say about the self-deprecating shit!”

Curt sighed. “Not in your office?” 

“And _I’m_ the only one allowed to insult you.” 

“Right. Great company policy,” Curt said. 

Cynthia rolled her eyes again. “You’ve got a smart mouth, Curt, which is the sorta thing that gets you killed.”

“I don’t see a downside.” 

“_What_ did I _just say_-”

“Okay, okay! I’ll shut up now!” 

Cynthia huffed. “You imbecile. Anyways, you’re going to that fuckin’ casino, and you’re getting a fuckin’ bomb back, capiche?”

“Sure.” 

“Don’t fuck it up.”

“No promises.”

“_Curt_-”

“I won’t.”

Cynthia hummed, sounding the closest she ever sounds to pleased. “Good, you’re learning. Perhaps you _can_ teach an old dog new tricks.” 

“Am I getting a partner this time around?” Curt asked.

Cynthia snorted. “After that last mission? No, you’re not. Shame, though- According to your report, you worked pretty well with that Tatiana gal. If she wasn’t a goddamn backstabbing double-agent, I’d welcome her to Dark Matters with open arms.” 

“Who knows,” said Curt. “Maybe there’s still a chance.” 

“You always were too optimistic for this line of work, Mega.”

“Maybe, yeah.”

“Back to the partner thing- You’re not getting one for the field, but we’ll make sure Barb’s available on your comms if you need the help.”

That actually made Curt feel a little better. At least he’ll have Barb. 

“Okay. I’m just _so_ glad that I flew all the way to Dark Matters HQ just for you to yell at me a bit. You could’ve just done this whole debriefing over comms.”

“Yes, but then I wouldn’t be able to do this.” And then Cynthia shot him.

Curt fell off his chair and onto the floor. 

“Hm. That’s disappointing. Four years ago, you would’ve dodged that.”

“_You shot me_!” 

“I _stunned_ you,” Cynthia said, showing him the blaster that was set to stun. “If it makes you feel better, you took it like a champ.”

“Doesn’t make the _pain go away_!”

“Oh, stop being such a fuckin’ baby. You’re acting like I’ve never stunned you before.” 

“_Why did you do that_?” 

“I thought it would make me feel better.”

“And did it?”

“Sure did. Every time I’m upset, I just need to think about some of my favorite things, and then I don’t feel so bad. I have a list.”

“Let me guess; That list consists of shooting me, stabbing me, punching me, and kicking me in the groin.”

“Pretty much," Cynthia said, "But you forgot one.” Cynthia tossed a flask to Curt. “Liquor. Might make you feel better.” 

Curt sat up, uncapping the flask and taking a big gulp. 

“Atta boy. Also, that is poisoned.”

“_What_!?” 

Why was Curt even surprised at that point? Of _course_ it was poisoned. Of _course_. 

Cynthia calmly took out a vial from her breast pocket that Curt could only assume was an antidote.

Curt crawled onto his knees as he gurgled, trying to reach for it.

Cynthia held it over his head tantalizingly.

“Ah, ah! Repeat after me; I, Curt Mega, will not talk bad about myself.” 

“_What_?” 

“We’re practicing self-care, bitch, learn it some time. Also, I can’t have my best agent emotionally compromised while on a mission. Also, you’re my friend and I’m worried. There, I said it. The infamously cold-hard Cynthia Houston admitted that you’re my friend and I legitimately care about you. Don’t get used to it. Now; I, Curt Mega, will not talk bad about myself.”

“I, Curt Mega, will not talk bad about myself. Hand over the antidote, Cynthia!” 

“What was that? Didn’t quite catch it.”

“_I, Curt Mega, will not talk bad about myself_!”

Cynthia handed him the antidote.

Curt knocked it back like a shot. 

He groaned as he laid back onto the floor.

“_You poisoned me_!” 

“I’ve been poisoning _myself_ a little bit everyday ever since I became an only child, Mega," Cynthia shot back. "Besides, you’re still alive, aren’t you?”

“That _can’t_ be where the bar is.” 

“In this line of work? Yes it is," said Cynthia. "Anyways, you’re heading down to the nerd lab, I’m guessing Barb’s gettin’ herself cozy down there. I’ll never understand why she left Dark Matters to work for _you_ instead.”

“I’ll never understand it, either.” 

“Anyways; Nerd lab, get yourself some equipment, shave that fucking beard, and Susan will escort you down there.”

“I know where the lab is, I don’t need an escort.”

“I know, but Susan insisted. Now get the hell out.” 

“Will do,” said Curt, pushing himself off of the floor. 

“Oh, and Curt?” said Cynthia. “Word from the wise- Keep your eyes on the prize.”

“I wouldn’t call you _wise_, Cynthia.”

“Eat shit and die, Curt.”

“Love you too, Cynth!” Curt said, and then he left before Cynthia could gut him with her pocket knife. 

Susan was leaning on the wall next to the door.

“Hi, Curt Mega.” 

“Susan! Been four years, how you’ve been?” 

“Alive. C’mon, Curt. To the nerd lab.” 

“..I _know_ where the lab is. Why are you _actually_ escorting me?”

Susan shrugged. “Just wanted an excuse to see you again, I guess.” 

“Oh, you sap,” said Curt, bumping shoulders with Susan. “Remember the good ol’ days, Su?”

“Which ones? The Dark Matters good ol’ days, or the Old Town good ol’ days?” 

“Take your pick.”

“The Old Town ones, then. Back with the others.”

“..Yeah,” agreed Curt after a moment. “The others.” Curt cleared his throat after a moment. “So what’s the _King of the Freeway_ doin’ now?” 

Susan snorted. “You remember that stupid nickname?”

“Of course I do! Susan, the King of the Freeway! Remember how’d you always sit at the corner of the street, and all the kids on the block would come to listen to you tell stories about your adventures?”

“Yeah. The stories were all bullshit.”

Curt clapped Susan on the back. “No shit, Susan!” he said cheerily. “We knew that perfectly well, man. But it was the only entertainment any of us had.”

“Not true!” said Susan. “There was Fuast’s… Funworld…” Susan trailed off. 

Curt chewed on his bottom lip. 

“..I’ll stop talking,” said Susan. 

“..How long has it been?" asked Curt. "Since.. Well. _Since_.”

Susan shrugged. “I try not to think about it. Anniversary is coming up, though.” 

“_Shit_,” said Curt. “Cynthia..”

“She’s Cynthia. She’ll be fine. And even if she isn’t.. Well, it’s not like she’d show it. ..You ever think about, hey, what if we weren’t such idiots when we were thirteen? What if she was still here?” 

“I think about stuff like that more than I probably should.”

Susan flinched. “Oh, I’m sure, with that damn messiah complex of yours. _Her_ death, coupled with, well.. Owen’s.” 

“Yeah, no. Wasn’t, uh- Wasn’t fun. I always blamed myself for her death.”

“We all did, Curt. But no one blamed themself for her death more than Cynthia did. Annie was _her_ sister, after all. ..Sorry, I just wanted to chat, I didn’t mean for this to get so depressing.” 

Curt sighed. “Yeah. Well. It’s fine, Susan. It _is_ good to see you again, by the way.” 

“Ditto. Annnnd, there’s the nerd lab. I can hear Barb’s shrill screaming from here.”

Curt chuckled. “_Yeah_. She’s probably in there, reclaiming her kingdom.” 

“Oh, absolutely.” Susan clapped Curt on the back. “See you later, Curt.”

“Bye, Susan.” 

“_Mistah Mega_!” Barb screeched happily when Curt walked into the room. Curt could feel his eardrums bursting at the sound of Barb's voice.

“Barb!" he said, looking around the lab. "I see you’re settling in." 

“How was talkin’ to Cynthia? Did she poison you?”

“Yep! And shot me!”

“Oh _geez_, I was just kiddin’, boss!” 

“Yeah, well. It’s Cynthia Houston.”

“Gee, I guess so!” 

“Sooo,” said Curt, walking closer, “any _coooool_ gadgets, Barb?” 

Barb gasped excitedly. “Yes, actually! Come look at this, Curt,” she said, taking Curt’s wrist and dragging him across the lab. 

“Oh, oh! Look at these contacts, Curt!” Barb said, holding up too small lenses.

“No thanks, Barb, I have 20/20 vision!” 

“_No_, silly! They’re not just regular ol’ contacts! They’re _THEIA_ contacts!”

“..Barb, I don’t know what that means.”

Barb groaned. “_Well_, while wearing them, you can zoom in your vision, and they can help you read lips if you don’t know how, and you can see comms messages on them! Aren’t they _cool_?”

“I guess?”

“Oh Curt, you should _totally_ wear these for your mission, I can send you messages through them- Plus, they’re just _awesome_!” 

“Right, right. Yeah, I’ll wear them. Anything else, Barb?” 

“Oh, oh! This _jacket_!” said Barb, holding up a white blazer with black lapels.

“Well, it _is_ stylish- My sorta thing. I’m sure I’d fill it out well-”

“No, no,” said Barb, “I mean, _yeah_, you’re not wrong, you _would_ look good in it! But that wasn’t the cool part, Curt.”

“Oh, right. Continue, then?”

“Will do! Anyways, there’s a plasma cutter stuffed up the left sleeve. So if you find yourself tied up, you just untie these threads in the sleeve right here, and it slides right out!”

“..That’s it? A plasma cutter?” 

“Well, we’re working to add some more gadgets to it. Work in progress. But I know you’ll want to wear it anyways, because it _is_ totally your style.”

“Well, you’ve got me there," said Curt. "Anything else cool?”

“Well, there’s that razor and shaving cream,” said Barb, pointing. 

“Let me guess,” said Curt, “the razor extends to become, like, a knife, and the shaving cream is actually.. Acid.”

Barb giggled. “Nice guess! But no.”

“..Then what is it?”

“It’s just a razor and shaving cream, boss!” Barb patted Curt on the cheek and gazed at him fondly. “It’s to shave that _ugly_ beard of yours.”

“Oh, come _on_!” said Curt. “This is a _great_ beard! ..Right?” 

“Oh, Curt,” Barb said with a gentle smile. “No, it’s not. I’ve been waiting four long years for you to shave it, boss.”

Barb picked up the razor and shaving cream, holding it out towards Curt with a big, unwavering grin. 

Curt just stared at her blankly.

A moment passed.

Then another.

Then another.

Then Curt sighed. “_Fiiiiine_,” he said, earning a happy “_Yay_!” from Barb and a kiss on the cheek. 

After all, how could Curt say no to Barb?

(He was gonna miss the beard. But Barb’s smile was so big and bright and infectious, and seeing one of his best friends grin like that more than made up for the loss of his beard.)

(Though, damn what everyone else said about it. It was a kickin' beard.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i guess susan is taking the role of mick mercury now!
> 
> every time curt says something self-deprecating he's momentarily possessed by the spirit of juno steel, and every time barb says "mistah" or "boss" she's momentarily possessed by the spirit of rita penumbrapod. (you can Really tell that i lowkey kinda channel my writing style for juno & rita whenever i write curt & barb, lol)
> 
> cynthia is also Way Too Fun to write. 
> 
> dark matters hq is on jupiter now, because there isnt enough tpp canon to tell me otherwise
> 
> cynthia's got the spirit went it comes to helping curt's self-esteem. she's a little confused, but she's got the spirit
> 
> (comments are kinda my lifeblood as a writer who needs validation 24/7, so any comments are greatly appreciated!)


End file.
